What Does Your Happiness Have to do With Your Child

What does your happiness have to do with your child’s success?

By Mary E Robson, Certified HANDLE Provider.

“I have learned to be more peaceful and calm within myself, and a lot happier all round. This has in turn has positively influenced my 14 year old daughter, Indianna, who has complete Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum. Indianna has become more peaceful, calm and happier too.”

Leanne Sutton

“This year I feel like we are a different family – our house is calm, our holidays are calm and enjoyable, I feel confident now that that’s how things are instead of having that feeling of wondering whether it will pass and go back to how it was. Ava and I have a renewed relationship – I’ve gone from having a tantrum about having to take her to IGA with me, to now finding her to see if she wants to come. I’m sure there are many things along the way so far in the program that have led me here but the one thing that I hear Mary say in my head loud and clear is, ‘The single most important thing for me to do is to love her no matter what,’ and I do… the odd clothing choices and her basic bad taste (in my opinion) that always had me wanting her to wear something else because I was worried people would think she looked silly don’t bother me anymore; her talking to random strangers about random things in shops I now interpret as lovely that she’s friendly and open. I miss her when I’m away.”

Sandra Sampson

It seems like the more we investigate to understand a medical issue, the more details we uncover. This has obvious benefits. However, if we do that at the expense of seeing the bigger picture – in this case your child who is a beautiful whole being – we focus on trying fix what is wrong. Parents then fall in to the trap of, “I will be happy when my child… (e.g. talks, fits in, has friends, pays attention in school).” In the mean time as a parent you are stressed, concerned, preoccupied, while you look for answers.

From your child’s perspective, the experience is, “I need to be different for you to love me. Otherwise you would be happy right now.” Even though as a parent your seeking answers is motivated by love, your child does not developmentally have the perspective that you have; kids are in the present moment. Most people function better when they feel the unconditional love and support from others that says, you are beautiful and full of goodness just as you are. This builds self esteem to try new things, step out of comfort zones, love them-self and feel the love of others, even when things don’t turn out as planned and things are harder than they are for others. All we can be in any given moment is our own best self. All of this empowers you and your child to happy and know you are ok being just who you are. This empowers you and your child to be happy and know you are okay as you are.

“We tend to forget that happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but rather of recognising what we do have.” – Frederick Keoning

We spend lifetimes trying to understand, largely engaging the left hemisphere of our brain to do so. Iain Gilchrist proposes each hemisphere allows us to attend differently in the world; and this creates a different world depending on which hemisphere we are using. Our right hemisphere processes what’s going on relationally, what’s happening between us. It seeks a deep sense of connection with others. The left hemisphere values task and behaviour over relationship. In his book, ‘The Master and His Emissary’, Gilchrist discusses the importance of the right hemisphere being in the lead, with the left hemisphere providing a kind of wisdom and stability based on what it receives from the right.

It is therefore important to use a systems thinking approach that focuses more on connecting to the beauty of what is right in front of us, and less on disassembling to understand. In doing so, we are happier; and so can explore and discover a myriad of solutions that we would not have seen with our previous view.

“By focusing on possibilities, you can see more than a potential light at the end of the tunnel. The light doesn’t have to be at the end of the tunnel; it can illuminate an opportunity where ever you are.” – John B Arden

When we see an iceberg, we see 7% of the entire structure; the rest is under the water supporting it. If you think of that 7% as your family’s current reality, what is happening in each family member’s life, our behaviours, and how all of you interrelate. Most parents have tried extinguishing the behaviours that bother them, just to find that they come back in another form. These behaviours are the compensations and strategies the child has developed to do life. The behaviours are serving a purpose. If we look at the many influences in our lives that support who we are and how we do things, we can address as many as possible and thereby lower stress levels, which typically increases function. Development, gut health, diet, neurology, biochemistry, environment, toxicity, sensory and motor systems, immune system, education, health care, services, family, society, funding/finances and government are just a few of the things in life that influence who we are.

For example, a diet high in processed foods and refined sugars leads to poor gut health, which leads to poor assimilation of nutrients, which influences the immune system, brain function and motor function. Missed developmental milestones affects muscle tone and visual functions, which makes academic tasks harder. If we can get to the root of the behaviour, we may find that it can be addressed, even if the corpus callosum remains the same.

Yet there is one more deeper layer we need to look at in order to make sustainable changes in our own lives, our families’ lives, and our children’s lives – and that is, how we think about the things that influence our lives that are currently not working efficiently. We can choose how we experience things that are happening in our lives, by changing how we think about them. If we are willing to observe our thoughts, and drop those that are not serving us, we can be more unconditionally loving and supportive individuals. The truth is, how we think about things determines how we take action; and acting from unconditional love is the most sustainable way to create change.

“Whether life is seen as an opportunity, a delightful garden of possibility, or a burden, depends on our point of view, not on our circumstances.” – Cheri Huber

For more information and examples regarding how thought influences our actions: http://compassionate-therapy.net.au/helpconference2015/

To learn more about how Compassionate Therapy works with families visit:

www.compassionate-therapy.net.au

Join us at one of our up-coming courses: http://compassionate-therapy.net.au/course/hicl1melbmay/